Project Runway - Episode Three

At the top of the show, we see Daniel lamenting that Wesley's shorts-clad heinie was cut last week.

And the designers get ready to hit Parsons for info on their next challenge.

Once there, Heidi shares some of her vast fashion knowledge before bringing out Suede's and Wes' models.

Suede keeps his model and Wes' is given the dreaded double cheek kiss from Heidi. She then informs the group that they should head back to the Atlas and wait for Tim who is going to take them out for a night on the town.

Stupid designers, they get all excited and imagine swanky nightclubs and fine restaurants. All except for Stella who has other things on her mind.

In due time, Tim comes a-knockin', clad in a raincoat. Blayne obnoxiously calls him "Tim-licious" when he answers the door. Girl-licious - that's getting old-licious.

Tim walks the designers to a double decker tour bus where they are to sit on the top deck and enjoy the weather. He also gives them their challenge - to create a look for a night on the town, inspired by New York at night. Basically a night-time version of the Inspiration challenge from Season two in which Andre created that fabulously stunning dress inspired by gutter water (one of the few truly memorable designs from any episode, IMHO).

Yes, it is raining.

After receiving cameras, groups of designers are dropped off at different locations in the city where they have one hour to take photos:

Suede, Daniel, Leanne, Jennifer - Columbus Circle
Stella, Kenley, Blayne, Keith - Times Square
Joe, Kelli, Korto - New York Public Library
Terri, Emily, Jerrell - Greenwich Village

Stella seems to have lots of issues. First she has problems using the camera. Then Keith steps in front of her as she's snapping a shot.


No, you're here to be an asshole, right?

The next morning, Tim tells the designers they have 30 minutes to choose one photo and $100 to shop for materials at Mood. Stella also seems to have problems with shopping, repeatedly asking "who is helping me?" It must have been lingering fumes from that jet-black hair dye she uses....

When they return to Parsons, they have until 1AM to finish their designs inspired by a rainy night in the city.

In the meantime, Blayne acts bizarre and bugs his eyes out at Kenley.

Stella, of course, is working with her precious leatha and is annoying the others by noisily hammering grommets into the material. When they complain, she displays a cheerful attitude along the lines of "f*ck you, bitches."

Straight man Joe gets catty and makes disparaging comments about Kenley's choice of fabrics, calling it suitable for "Fort Lauderdale, lawn-cushiony things." Can we say he was being a tool about the tulle?

Tim comes in for his round of "make it work" and finds reasons to be concerned with most designers. He seems especially distressed by Emily.

One o'clock comes far too fast and even then most of the designers are scrambling to finish. The next morning, Tim comes in to give them their hour for hair and makeup. He also breaks the bad news to Keith that his model Runa had to drop out of the competition, so he's going to be working with Wes' eliminated model instead. Keith seems cranky that he has to refit his...dress...to a new body, but it's not like he got to fit it on Runa at all.

Then we have the infamous "holla at ya boy" incident that I reported last week. It was in the previews but not in the episode, but that's sometimes the way with Bravo's wacky editing. Turns out it was actually in this week's episode. I stand by my earlier comment that Tim should never allow such nonsense to leave his lips. Few enough people know how to use the plethora of perfectly lovely and serviceable words the English language has available - please let's not lose another!

On to the runway.

Heidi looks as classy as ever.

Can't say the same for guest judge Sandra Bernhard. Did I hear right - she's going on tour with her show, "Without You I'm Nothing?" Wow, that stuff's 20 years old. Doesn't she have any new material? Besides all of the plastics in her face?

After the runway show, Heidi holds back the three best and three worst designs. Amazingly, the three girls who looked alike to me in the first episode were all represented.

So Emily does look a little different from the other two. Not better, just different.

The judges were smoking some major crack this week. For instance, how did Michael Kors miss the opportunity to say about Terri's backless dress with pants...

...something like this?

...because I sure thought it looked like an Impressionist painting from hell. Don't get me wrong, I like the Impressionists, but I wouldn't cover a sofa with that Monet water lily-esque fabric. And the multicolored sleeves - hideous! But...the cut of the dress and the fierceness of the model won out and Terri ended up in the top three. Even if her model didn't seem to have any feet.

Jerrell's dress looked pretty fantastic to me, yet he was only "safe." That's a lot of good work, girlfriend.

This is Kenley's dress. It looks like she's got a huge purple boil on her left thigh, and the judges agreed with me. The fabric is rather Florida lawn furniture, but again something I wouldn't use on my sofa.

Michael Kors and the rest of the judges thought it was faboo. And gave Kenley the win. Yes, my eyes bugged out like that too when Heidi made the announcement.

I thought this dress, made by one of the boring twins, should have won. She really made up for her brown shiny monstrosity last week, ironically enough, by using the same loopy shapes.

The other boring twin made this matronly thing, inspired by clocks. Oh yeah...time to go!

But no...Headband Emily's titruffle offended the judges more. I thought it was innocuous and at least well-finished, but everyone got their panties in a bunch over it. And so the girl who looked like the other girls but not quite as much as I thought she did two weeks ago was told to pack up her schmatte and her headbands and get her scrawny butt out.

It does look like a clown vomited on it though. Sorta like Blayne's. Although his was a gay clown.

*Rich Juzwiak writes the blog Four Four.

There Will Be a Slight Delay....

...ok, maybe not so slight...in getting the Project Runway and Shear Genius recaps together this week. Unfortunately, life and work (especially work) interferes with my playtime....

Ports 1961 Outfits NBC for the Beijing Olympics

New York - July 18, 2008 – Ports 1961, the American luxury Sportswear Brand, has been selected to provide the wardrobe for certain NBC female commentators during the network’s coverage of the Beijing Olympic Games, from August 8-24. The announcement was made today by David Neal, Executive Producer NBC Sports and Executive Vice President, NBC Olympics, and Tia Cibani, Creative Director, Ports 1961.

Throughout the duration of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Ports 1961 will dress commentators on NBC, MSNBC, CNBC and USA Network. NBC Late Night Show host and Olympic Correspondent Mary Carillo, MSNBC Coverage Host Melissa Stark, USA Network and CNBC Coverage Host Alex Flanagan and Oxygen Coverage Host and Sports Desk Reporter Lindsay Czarniak will be outfitted in Ports 1961.

“When I was first approached to create a capsule collection for the NBC Olympic Commentators, I was honored” said Tia Cibani, Creative Director of Ports 1961. “I can relate to their hectic work schedule and the necessity to have to have easy, modern, and accessible clothing that travels well. I took into consideration each woman’s personal sense of style and fused it with the classic Ports 1961 sensibility.”

About PORTS 1961

Introduced by the Canadian sportswear brand Ports International, Tia Cibani launched the 1961 label from the companies New York headquarters three years ago. Developed as Ports designer collection, the 1961 label embraces our global village, with the use of European fabrics, custom prints, fine tailoring and unique hand crafted details. Infused by International cultures Cibani moves in, her beyond boarders’ perspective inspires an eclectic mix of modern luxury, comfort and design.

Ticky or Tacky?

Last season's Project Runway winner Christian Siriano has his first collection available at Bluefly.com. It perfectly captures his aesthetic: little or no color, poofy sleeves, yadda yadda. Yawn. For some reason, the site only sells three or so items at a time (supposedly the others are sold out) - there is at least another dress and jacket available, both in black, natch, plus a tranny-licious gold skirt (hey - hows that for a one-word hommage to both Christian and this season's tan-o-riffic Blayne?)

This first piece he says is "tranny Klum on a budget." While the puffy sleeves are a bit Johanna Spyri, I'm not sure our flesh-and-blood Heidi would wear it. It's not short enough, for one thing. It's a bit stiff-looking, no? As if it would make cellophane-y crinkle noises when one moved. It's probably the full lining interfering with the drape of the silk lamé. The back is a bit crinkly-looking as well.

Fully-lined, gold silk 'Red Carpet' shift dress, $325. "Retail value" $405. How do they come up with the "retail" price? Considering that Bluefly is indeed retail, no matter how they want to spin it. And, as far as I know, Bluefly is the only company selling these items for Ms. Siriano. I suppose "Price we'd actually like but if we lower it you might think you're getting a deal so will shell out the money" is too wordy?

Black metallic wool "Dinner at 8" jacket, $520. "Retail value" $650. The cut of this jacket is nice, as the poofitude of the sleeves is kept to a minimum. However, the fabric looks stiff and cheap. But I'll bet lots of fools will be happy to throw away their hard earned dollars for this garment. That's 130 gallons of gas in most parts of the country, btw.

"Transylvania" crewneck t-shirt of cotton jersey, $96. "Retail value" $120. I don't understand the name of this shirt. Is it "Tranny," horribly misspelled? I'm not sold on the ruffled shoulder detail; it looks like it might be annoying for women (trannies too) who have longer than collar-length hair.

What do you think about Christian's collection? Would you buy any of it? See more here.

And do allow the young scamp to annoy you in this video.

Happy Birthday, Tim Gunn!

Have a fabulous day, and may you have many wonderful years ahead of you!

Shear Genius, Episode Five

Disa week, daminx is afeeling over awhelmed bya da two Bravo recaps, so she'sa ask me, Oscar Blandi, to apost her recappa, along wis my frien, Rene Afris.

Hi hi. Rene here.

You go ado asomethin' else, Rene. Itsa my turn first.

What does dis awort mean, "incomprehensible?" Non capisco! Da stylists meet us onna da bitch for da short cut challenge. Eetsa cold.

And da clients arrive! Eighta rather funnyalookin' "surfer dude" bitch boys with slimy-lookin' hair anda funny pants.

Well, we were nota in da studio, so we bringa da wall aweeth!

Tell me - whya do they awear da jod-hoppers? But I-a digress.

Da challenge wasa to transform da style of da bitch boys' hair to make it looka good to go out onna town. Da stylists hada 30 minutes and could nota use anything but shears, battery-powered clippers, and a spray bottle. No washin' da slimy-lookin' hair!Youa thinkin' "what are those ayellow things inna da hands?" Back inna da house, the stylists found da flip-flops inna da keetchen. The numbers onna da flip-flops matched numbers onna da shoulders of da bitch boys. And that how they all geta matched-up, see?

Thas notta so bad, Nekisa. Nicole's bitch boy's abuttcracka was showing.

After the thirty minutes were up, I looka da hair and makea decision.

Oh, sorry Nicole. They think you area too green. Maybe you shoulda been in thata Project Runway challenge theesa week, no? But they aget their, how you say, comeuppance. Daniel and Glenn are a my bottom two. They both looka likea sheet. And you, my leetle pink-eyed petal, you were a my favorite! Mwah!

Ok, Rene. Now itsa your turn.

Fankyou Oscaw. De nes day is daliminashun chawlens. Dee stywists meet their new cwiens.

Dese ladies all are suffewing fwom awopesha. Deywear weegs and when dey pull dem off, de stywists get emoshunal. In confessionals dey talk about how bwave dese womens are. I say, dey have awopesha, not cancer! Weally now, stywists. Hode it togever. Anyway...de chawlens is to style a weeg for dese womens that lifspirits and feetlifestyle.

As da wiener of shortcut chawlens, Nicole get to pick her cwient firs, den pick cwient for ovver stywists. Because Paulo finis in bottom couple times now, and because he alreadycry, Nicole was nice and let him pick firs.


Den Nicole has meltdown an Rene come to her wescue!

Her cwien, she cwy. She usully not wearweeg. She say dat nobody is touch her hair for eweven years, and dismake Nicole cwy too. I is mentor and geeve los helpful avise.

Rene, escusea me. Why ees every picture of you?

Reawy, Oscaw? I neva noteece dat! Anway, eetstime forda Hair Show! Go shegit!

Thanka you, Rene. He was not at da show, so he can go seet quietly again. Go seet, Rene. Seet.

I have to say, inna all honesty, most ofa da weegs looka likea da weegs. Dey look likea de helmet. But we alla feel bad for Paulo anda Nicole becausea dey cry so much. So dey are de top two. Anda we givea de win to Paulo becausea hea looka likea werewolf. Like he got de opposite of alopecia.

Den on de bottom isa da Charlie, da Nekisa, and da Gail. Gail, her weeg she'sa got de biga problems. Eet ages hair client, and da weeg isa too balki.

Balki, Oscaw? From Pohfect Stwangers?

Shuddap, Rene. Go seet!

So we gotta say "goodbye" toa Gail. Charlie, he been actin' likea de tough guy and he show Gail dat he'sa really nice guy. He keesa her hands and tell her "wea believes in you." Awww...datsa so nice!

Project Runway 5 - Episode Two

This week's episode of Project Runway starts in the apartments where we see Stella drinking a swamp-green mixture of grass and whatnot. She seems like the last person in the cast who'd be drinking something healthy unless it had a couple shots of vodka in it (and the "grass" coulda been weed), but maybe it was just a staged clue for the challenge to come....

At Parsons, Heidi reminds us that last week the designers were assigned models...this week they get to choose with whom they want to work.

I guess I didn't hear that right. Either that or Joe is already thinking about the lunch he probably won't be having.

Speaking of mispronouncing names, why does no two people say this lady's name the same way?

Heidi then reveals that she hopes the designers are happy with their choices because their models are going to be their clients in this challenge. Everyone troops up to the work room to meet with Tim and get the full scoop.

See - green! Like Stella's drink! What? That was a coincidence? Ohhh...green as in "environmentally responsible." As in "not plastic garbage bags."

Not only are the models the clients, they are also going to go to Mood and do the fabric shopping, much to everyone's chagrin.

No Stella, it's a "green" challenge. I thought we cleared that up?

At Mood, the models are confused by the many many bright and shiny bolts of fabric. Most of them play it stupid safe and buy the same butt-ugly shade of brown satiny fabric that looks conspicuously like leftovers from the Season 4 episode called Christian's Prom Dress Nightmare That Proved He Should Stick to Poofy-Sleeved Jackets and Skinny Pants.

In the meantime, we are treated to un monologue de Suede, for no particular reason except to annoy us as much as he annoys the other designers.

It's probably not nice to make fun of someone who may be suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, huh? But really - bi-sexual? "Suede" swings one way and his other personality (to be named later) swings the other?

The models come back with their purchases and most are scolded by their designers. Three of them are stuck with the Ugly Brown Christian Satin of Non-Poofy-Sleeve-Jacket Doom. This immediately causes paranoia - some designers think that because they have the same fabric, their dresses might look similar. Does this mean that the fabric cancels out talent and vision? What do you mean "what talent and vision?"

Cattails Korto is afraid that her dress might be too similar to Wes' because they both have seams! And Stella is annoyed because she has to work with something other than leather.

Blayne goes on a leather-licious rant as Stella, "I watch leather TV. My husband is leather."

I want an Oompa Loompa dress!

It's probably not a good time for your other personality, Leather Tuscadero, to come out.

Tim comes in with three hours left in the day to offer guidance to the struggling designers and to utter the stupidest thing to ever come out of his mouth. Frankly, Tim, I am appalled.

Now, that's the Tim we know and love!

Tim also mentions that there is no immunity for the winner this week; instead, the winning look will be sold at Bluefly.com. And he teased that there would be a special guest judge, one representative of Young Hollywood.

The next day, the designers dress their model/clients and send them through the inevitable montage of commercially-sponsored hair and make-up. On to the runway!

Heidi points to the empty chair by Ninagarcia and "top designer Michael Kors" and says it's reserved for the special guest judge. After Tim's mention of Young Hollywood, I got visions of non-entities like one of the bimbettes from The Hills or maybe one of Paris Hilton's many "frenemies" like Kim Kardashian's ass. I was almost pleased to see that instead it was the Harvard-educated Natalie Portman. She's supposedly a good actress, but have you seen those Star Wars prequels? Yoda showed more emotion, and he was an animation of a Muppet, for heaven's sake.

BTW, where are Natalie's eyes? She's got on so much black eye shadow, she looks like she lost a fistfight with a chimney sweep.

The runway show commences.

Stella got compliments on her non-leather off-the-shoulder dress with lace-up sides.

Suede's dress, comprising strips of fabric, not only pleased his client, but the judges loved it. Although Kenley's floofy-collared satin number was also appreciated, Suede got the win this week. I wonder how Bluefly is going to recreate such a complicated dress?

Poor young Wes's Nightmare in Brown Satin was savaged by the judges (as was Leanne's similarly horrible poo-colored frock). It was ill-fitting and had too many elements. The hem was sloppy. And the model looked pissed.

Speaking of short and looking cheap, Emily's offering surprisingly escaped the Wrath of Kors. I thought it should have merited at least one comparison to a French maid outfit or some discussion over the "type of cock-tails the dress might attract" or that it looked like something Heidi might wear.

Next week: Tim throws away his dictionary and embraces urban-speak whole-heartedly. Holla!