Project Runway 5 - Episode Two

This week's episode of Project Runway starts in the apartments where we see Stella drinking a swamp-green mixture of grass and whatnot. She seems like the last person in the cast who'd be drinking something healthy unless it had a couple shots of vodka in it (and the "grass" coulda been weed), but maybe it was just a staged clue for the challenge to come....

At Parsons, Heidi reminds us that last week the designers were assigned models...this week they get to choose with whom they want to work.

I guess I didn't hear that right. Either that or Joe is already thinking about the lunch he probably won't be having.

Speaking of mispronouncing names, why does no two people say this lady's name the same way?

Heidi then reveals that she hopes the designers are happy with their choices because their models are going to be their clients in this challenge. Everyone troops up to the work room to meet with Tim and get the full scoop.

See - green! Like Stella's drink! What? That was a coincidence? Ohhh...green as in "environmentally responsible." As in "not plastic garbage bags."

Not only are the models the clients, they are also going to go to Mood and do the fabric shopping, much to everyone's chagrin.

No Stella, it's a "green" challenge. I thought we cleared that up?

At Mood, the models are confused by the many many bright and shiny bolts of fabric. Most of them play it stupid safe and buy the same butt-ugly shade of brown satiny fabric that looks conspicuously like leftovers from the Season 4 episode called Christian's Prom Dress Nightmare That Proved He Should Stick to Poofy-Sleeved Jackets and Skinny Pants.

In the meantime, we are treated to un monologue de Suede, for no particular reason except to annoy us as much as he annoys the other designers.

It's probably not nice to make fun of someone who may be suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, huh? But really - bi-sexual? "Suede" swings one way and his other personality (to be named later) swings the other?

The models come back with their purchases and most are scolded by their designers. Three of them are stuck with the Ugly Brown Christian Satin of Non-Poofy-Sleeve-Jacket Doom. This immediately causes paranoia - some designers think that because they have the same fabric, their dresses might look similar. Does this mean that the fabric cancels out talent and vision? What do you mean "what talent and vision?"

Cattails Korto is afraid that her dress might be too similar to Wes' because they both have seams! And Stella is annoyed because she has to work with something other than leather.

Blayne goes on a leather-licious rant as Stella, "I watch leather TV. My husband is leather."

I want an Oompa Loompa dress!

It's probably not a good time for your other personality, Leather Tuscadero, to come out.

Tim comes in with three hours left in the day to offer guidance to the struggling designers and to utter the stupidest thing to ever come out of his mouth. Frankly, Tim, I am appalled.

Now, that's the Tim we know and love!

Tim also mentions that there is no immunity for the winner this week; instead, the winning look will be sold at Bluefly.com. And he teased that there would be a special guest judge, one representative of Young Hollywood.

The next day, the designers dress their model/clients and send them through the inevitable montage of commercially-sponsored hair and make-up. On to the runway!

Heidi points to the empty chair by Ninagarcia and "top designer Michael Kors" and says it's reserved for the special guest judge. After Tim's mention of Young Hollywood, I got visions of non-entities like one of the bimbettes from The Hills or maybe one of Paris Hilton's many "frenemies" like Kim Kardashian's ass. I was almost pleased to see that instead it was the Harvard-educated Natalie Portman. She's supposedly a good actress, but have you seen those Star Wars prequels? Yoda showed more emotion, and he was an animation of a Muppet, for heaven's sake.

BTW, where are Natalie's eyes? She's got on so much black eye shadow, she looks like she lost a fistfight with a chimney sweep.

The runway show commences.

Stella got compliments on her non-leather off-the-shoulder dress with lace-up sides.

Suede's dress, comprising strips of fabric, not only pleased his client, but the judges loved it. Although Kenley's floofy-collared satin number was also appreciated, Suede got the win this week. I wonder how Bluefly is going to recreate such a complicated dress?

Poor young Wes's Nightmare in Brown Satin was savaged by the judges (as was Leanne's similarly horrible poo-colored frock). It was ill-fitting and had too many elements. The hem was sloppy. And the model looked pissed.

Speaking of short and looking cheap, Emily's offering surprisingly escaped the Wrath of Kors. I thought it should have merited at least one comparison to a French maid outfit or some discussion over the "type of cock-tails the dress might attract" or that it looked like something Heidi might wear.

Next week: Tim throws away his dictionary and embraces urban-speak whole-heartedly. Holla!