Thursday, July 10, 2008

Shear Genius, Episode Three

This week, the stylists enter the Nexxus Shear Genius salon to find Jaclyn alone and Charlie's winning hairstyle on the Allure Wall of Cheesy Magazine Cover Mock-Ups. He's not quite as giddy over it as Daniel was last week, but then he's from Hell, not from Texas. Wait...

We thought last week's blonde OC Hobags were bitchy, but they're really no match for the Blondes of Shear Genius.

Maybe it's the editing, but I don't think the home audience has heard Matthew say anything, whining or otherwise, other than to remind us he has a wife. With Parker's cut last week, Matthew is now the sole Token Straight Man.

Jaclyn introduces the guest judge for the short cut challenge, Campbell McAuley. He seems somewhat straight, so really, how talented can he be?

Speaking of short cut challenges, this week's is to create a modern up-do design that is interesting and challenging, using hair accessories, on women with ridiculously long hair. Oh, and they can't do any cutting. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Rien. You get the picture.

From left to right: Cousin Itt, Morticia Addams....

The stylists each got a scissor box that held the number, in inches, of hair they'd be working with. Meredith gets a woman with 68" hair. Meredith says she is 5'4", which is 64". The woman she's working with has hair 4" longer than she is tall - yet the woman is shorter than Meredith, nor is she stepping on her hair. Sounds like one of those math problems I had so much trouble with on the SAT....

Now seems like a good time for Matthew to tell us how he really feels.

Meanwhile, the stylists get to work. Dee's really working her impression of one of Christian Bale's buddies in Newsies.

Nicole is intent on making her model look like Barbie after an adventure with a budding 3-year-old stylist with pinking shears and a bag of potpourri. Daniel was scared by her styling, but he managed to refrain from bursting into tears at the thought of it.

Campbell must have been in a hurry to get out of there because he wore his coat the whole time. Or maybe he was just sensitive about his nipples.

After an hour, time was up and Campbell was definitely ready to go. He chose Nekisa and Nicole as his bottom two and picked Nekisa's ratsnest over Nicole's Barbie savagery as the worst. Charlie and Matthew were his top two, and surprisingly he preferred Matthew's festival of pearls, naming him the winner of the challenge.

Matthew's advantage for the elimination challenge the next day would be first choice of the models and choice of the order in which his fellow competitors chose their models. The ever-charitable Meredith offered that she thought Charlie's up-do looked like a drunken prom queen. But she wasn't happy with Matthew's win, either, and wasn't looking forward to the upcoming suck-up session that would go down at the house that evening. And just about everyone sucked, long and hard.

The next day, it's hi hi evaone!

The elimination challenge was to create a red carpet-worthy look, but rather than choosing models, stylists got to choose gowns instead. Matthew, of course, had to remind himself that he was married and picked a gown that he thought would look good on his wife. He then indicated that Paulo should take the next turn.

After everyone chose their gowns, the models to whom they belonged came out and took their places in the salon chairs, hoping for the best.

Rene, as always, offowed he adwice to da stywists. Guess he didn't find that tape.

Nicole remarks in a confidential that she became a hairstylist because she couldn't get into Clown School. Or something like that. Daniel admitted that he wet his panties a little when the OC Hobags made their appearance last week, and he was hoping another huge celebrity of that same caliber would show up this time.

Despite magically pulling a short cut challenge win out of his ass, Matthew got the stupids and ignored his client's claims that her hair did not hold a curl. "I'll make it curl if it's the last thing I do!" he vowed, shaking his fist at the sky for dramatic effect.

Yes, yes, we get it! You're gay!

To up the cheese factor, Bravo set up a faux red carpet outside for the Hair Show.

No, sorry, that's Dee. My bad.

Look - Daniel gets his wish for a superfabulous celebrity judge! It's Alison Sweeney! Huh? Who? Sami Brady from Days of our Lives! You know, one of Marlena and Roman's twins who disappeared from the show as toddlers then came back as teenagers 2 years later. Typical soap opera technique because nobody wants to work with rugrats. And it's not as bizarre as the practice of bringing back an actor to play an entirely different, established, character. Like Josh Taylor going from Chris Kositchek to Roman Brady. But I digress.

Back inside the salon, the judges, which include Reese Witherspoon's stylist Mark Townsend (who is so conservative-looking, he could possibly be a Republican. ::::crosses self::::), contemplate the stylists creations.

There was quite a bit of dissention among the judges. If Alison said "hated it!" Mark said "loved it!" while giving it two snaps.

Eventually it was determined that Glenn, Charlie, and Gail had the best styles. Mark had some reservations about Charlie's hair, but Kim adored it and apparently he has the most say because Charlie was pronounced the winner.

Nicole, Matthew, and Paolo were on the bottom. Matthew's do was likened to My Little Pony, which is a compliment in some circles, but apparently not for people over the age of four. Nicole was deemed safe. Paolo remarked that it was not a good thing to be in the bottom, particularly the bottom two. Guess he's a top then? Kim seemed to like his hair too, even though it was more runway than red carpet, so Paolo was also safe.

That of course left Matthew to be the loser. Now there are no straight men left.

He pretended not to be upset.


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