Shear Genius, Episode Seven

This week, the Allure Wall of Cheesy Magazine Cover Mock-Ups is even more embarrassing bare than it is with a winner's image. And Jaclyn makes sure the stylists know that she is disappointed in all of them.

Things we'll never actually hear Jaclyn say. Sigh.

As punishment, this week's Short Cut challenge will be judged by a wacky tree-hugger with long 80s hair-band-style hair and a penchant for using food as styling products.

Hallowell unveils a table full of food products that pretty much runs the gamut from soup to nuts. From molasses to tuna fish, at least.

The challenge is to create a futuristic look "beyond belief" using food instead of normal salon products. Each stylist must pick two products to start.

Nicole is sensitive to smells, which thrills the delightfully fiendish Charlie as it could make her sick and get her eliminated. While reveling in his evilness, he takes the opportunity to razz Nekisa as she picks out her foodstuffs. He wants her gone as well (and who doesn't at this point?)

Take it honey. You need it.

Daniel mans up and takes the woo!scary peanut butter. I don't even want to know why he has such issues with it. He also chooses avocado. Later, he picks up some raw beets to use as testicle-like decorations.

Squeamish Nicole also decides to grow a pair and uses squid as a festive addition to the rat's nest she created on her client's head. Wait - squid is decorative? Remember, blondie, it didn't work for Meredith a couple of weeks ago....

The stylists finish up and Hallowell critiques.

Nicole is called out as loser for her smelly mess. Robert doesn't even go to the formality of picking a bottom two. Paulo gets the win for his curly 'do festooned with matted purple things that remind me of the stinky things that fall off mimosa trees about this time of year.

Back at the house, there's lots of squabbling and backbiting.

Daniel says that Nekisa hates Nicole, Nicole hates Dee, and Dee hates Charlie. Charlie hates everyone, Daniel still has a fatwa on vaginas, and Dee still wants to find a way into Nekisa's thong.

Fun!

The next morning, the stylists go to the park to meet Rene who has been posing in a manly way for the cameras.

The challenge is dog grooming!

The stylists each pick a pooch and then Rene throws a curveball:

Not only do the stylists have to groom the dogs, they also have to groom the dog's owners, making them look as much like their pets as possible They will get 2.5 hours in which to accomplish this feat.

Back at the Nexxus Shear Genius salon, Daniel sings to his dog, Lola, telling her she has a pretty heinie. He must be missing someone special.

Paulo thinks his dog will end up in therapy someday. I think that's true of all of the clients, particularly the humans.

Charlie feels slightly charitable today and says that he thinks Dee is a good stylist. Then he adds that she's a bitch. Pot, meet kettle!

Time for the Dog Show!

Nobody liked that natural foods dude so the guest judge for this part of the competition is Jennifer McCarthy. No, not the bimbo who's dating Jim Carrey, a show dog trainer with a similar name.

The judges had issues with Nekisa's cut, both on the dog and the human. There was absolutely no resemblance between the two. Nekisa explains why:

Dee and Daniel were named the top two. Dee did a fantastic job with matching her client's hair to her doggie's 'do. That's "do" with one o. And Daniel paid special attention to his doggie's heinie, which had to have made a difference. But not enough to best Dee, who finally got her first elimination challenge win.

Paulo, Charlie, and Charlie's best friend Nekisa were called out as the bottom three. Kim had issue with Paulo's color and the texture of his client's hair, but I honestly loved both. It was very Paulo, and I thought very wearable, as far as crazy two-tone hair is concerned. Charlie's model was called "matronly" and "crazy," which had to do wonders for her self-esteem.

But Nekisa's mismatched styles and colors finally convinced the judges that after lo so many weeks, she needed to be kicked to the curb.

So have the rest of us.

Next week: No more Nekisa!

Project Runway - Episode Foah

It's episode four already! Can you believe how fast the weeks are flying by? And we're not even having any fun!

The designers get their lazy asses out of bed and meet Heidi at Parson's for the model auf-ing. Rather than skintight jeans or yet another inappropriately young mini skirt, this week Heidi wears a sheer shirt, so perfect for daywear.

It gets better every week, doesn't it?

Again the designers are treated to a field trip with Tim, this time without cameras or rain.

They arrive at the Armory Track and Field Center where they find a speed skater going around a track. Stella is confused.

The skater is none other than five-time Olympic medalist Yoko Ono. I mean, Apolo Anton Ohno, who seems to have dropped the Anton. Because, after all, shouldn't one stop calling a kid by his or her middle name once he or she reaches...dunno, birth? Oh wait, sorry Sarah Jessica Parker.

Apolo announces the day's challenge - to create a look for the US Olympic Team to wear during Opening Ceremonies for the Summer Games. OMG - sports! The gays all panic but then breathe a sigh of relief when Tim tells them they'll be designing women's wear, and nothing for Tiki Barber.

The designers get 30 minutes to wander around the facility, which houses a museum of Olympic memorabilia, to sketch out their designs.

When the time is up, they head to Mood where Keith steals Terri's material and Stella buys black fabric.

In the absence of Wes, Daniel seems to be getting quite friendly with Kenley, although he should be very wary of taking her advice. She's a competitor, remember?

But who cares? He's a snob - let him be a naive one. Daniel gets on his high horse and tells us in a confidential that he's all about high-end glamour and he doesn't know from sports. Hmmm...I think that means this boy is quite limited in his abilities so why does he think he deserves to be America's next top designer? Next thing we know, he'll be putting stovepipe pants and puffy-sleeved jackets on everyone....

Back at Parsons, the designers start working on their designs. Kenley and Daniel collaborate a little on his outfit and she giggles and laughs loudly throughout. This annoys the crap out of the other designers, which of course is part of Kenley's grand scheme: if I annoy them, they will f*ck up. Not if Jerrell gets his wish and someone finds a muzzle for her, accessorized with a hibiscus and a cute little plaid headband, of course.

Tim comes in to advise his mentees. He thinks Joe's mixed red and blue zippers are "witty," although I didn't hear them saying anything particularly funny.

Looking at Blayne's he thinks it may be a little too "Sgt. Pepper." Blayne stares blankly at the reference, making Tim feel old.

In an attempt to feel young again, Tim tries out that damn "holla atcha boy," line again, much to my chagrin.

What's next, Tim? Baggy-ass pants showing off your designer undies? And is that some sort of gay gang sign you're making there?

The next morning, the designers have three hours to complete their looks and to send their models to the Corporate Sponsorship Hair and Makeup Facility.

No, instead you've been talking about how much time you're losing in your quest for melanoma.

Maybe Michael Kors can lend him some bronzer, eh?

Joe gets all nutty because Daniel has taken over his sewing machine and rethreaded it with red. Even straight boys get pissy in the 11th hour.

Suede expressed his opinion over the situation.

On to the runway show!

Joe's design was well-liked by the judges, particularly his use of athletic details. Personally, I thought it was a little obvious. She looked more like an insignia for an airline.

On the other hand, Daniel was castigated for his dress from the "Republic of Cocktail Land." It wasn't relevant, athletic, or Olympic, and on the runway, the bright blue fabric appeared to be purple. Kenley advised him not to use the red fabric he bought to make a bolero because it might seem too much like a cape. All part of her evil scheme to f*ck people up.

Jerrell's was considered "unique" which of course is a nice way of saying, "insane."

Nina was puzzled by the outfit, calling it "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Meets Lindsay Lohan's leggings line, right? Michael Kors brought out the Yiddish and called it "meshugenah."


Terri's was a favorite. Apolo loved the colors. Kors said it had a "Lauren Hutton 70s vibe," which of course is a hell of a lot better than a "Lauren Hutton at the Bravo A-List Awards vibe," which is a euphemism for Suede's favorite 10-cent word...."wackadoodle."

Korto (who by the way says her name "Kotto," making the way Heidi pronounces it most often the correct way) put out this all-white look with fabulous fitted wide-leg trousers and a leatha vest. The judges thought it was very chic and designated it the winner this week.

Then we have poor Boring Twin Jennifer's look. It's really very cute in and of itself, but it did not satisfy the challenge one tiny iota. Nina said she can't seem to extricate her own personal taste from her designs. But isn't that part of one's point of view? No? Anyway, the Boring Twin loses for her odd interpretation of the challenge.

Too bad. Buh-bye, Boring Twin! Maybe next week we'll lose the other one!

Meet Brangelina's Twins

see more dog pictures

I can't decide if the one on the left looks more like Brad, or Angelina....

Shear Genius, Episode Six

I would like to thank Oscar Blandi and Rene Fris for helping me with posting the recap last week. As you know, I was a bit pressed for time this week as well, but when I approached Oscar for help again, he said, "What? you thinka I havea da time for this sheet? And youa no pay me enough!" So sorry for the wait, but here it is:

We finally get to see something by Paulo up on the Allure Wall of Cheesy Magazine Cover Mock-ups! Go Wolfman!

This week's short cut challenge is a color competition. If Parker was still around, I'm sure he'd be reminding us that:

Anyway....the challenge is to create vibrant, in-your-face, over-the-top (V IYF OTT) hair color. In other words, make the poor clients look like a clown barfed on their head (yes, that is my recap theme for the week). Kim Vo, superduper colorist to the stars - "including Perez Hilton!" (c'mon, are you really proud of that?) - will be judging the results.

Because V IYF OTT hair color takes time, the stylists get 4 hours for this challenge, an announcement that brought cheers.

Paulo tells Kim he is going to make his client's hair blue, but first he has to strip it to the base color (which somehow is screaming yellow). Kim, color expert that he is, reminds Paulo that blue + yellow makes green. Wow - learn something new every day!

Dee wanted to make her client look like a bird of paradise, which in my head is orange and purply-blue and green. Really - who wants that on her head?

Nekisa is making her client's hair red and purple, but her sink magically backs up as she's rinsing out the dye and for some reason the water is...blue? How'd that happen? Because one of the features of V IYF OTT hair is "vibrancy," and dull dark purple hair isn't particularly vibrant, Kim chose Nekisa to sit in the bottom two. She wasn't happy with that and started whining and making excuses.

Why is this woman still in the competition? Inquiring minds want to know!

You don't know either, huh? Poor Paulo didn't end up with the blue hair he desired (maybe he should have used Nekisa's sink for rinsing?) and ends up in the bottom two and is eventually declared the loser.

As for the top two, that would be the always-smug Charlie, and the always-Charlie-hatin' Dee. And Kim gave Dee even more reason to hate Charlie for awarding his multicolored updo the win over Dee's turd bird of paradise.

Don't mince words, Dee. Tell us what you really think?

Back at the house, Nekisa and Charlie get into a catfight. Or, as Daniel put it, an "Alabama dogfight." I guess cats look like dogs in Alabama? Or maybe Daniel just can't tell the difference. Because Nekisa is such an easy target, Charlie likes to pick on her for sport. He obviously thinks he's a better stylist than she is and tells her as much.

Dee surprisingly doesn't jump in to defend her crush Nekisa. But she knows there's more to that girl than just a pretty face (with far too much makeup on it). Tell us, Dee:

Even Charlie noticed that. He said that everyone likes a shapely woman (gay men love the boobies!) and he made a crack about her missing the porn awards that evening. Deliciously cruel, that Charlie. Love him.

The next morning, the stylists go back to the Nexxus Shear Genius salon and find waiting for them The Mysterious Faux Woodgrain Box of Doom. Suddenly, a familiar voice is heard....

It's Charwie, announcing the Charwie's Angews Chalng! They were unable to get the 90-year-old John Forsythe to make an appearance from the nursing home, so they asked Rene to fill in.

I have to give the man some credit - he really did try to sound like Charlie and struggled to pronounce everything properly.

Because Charlie (the stylist) won the short cut challenge, he was assigned to pair up the remaining stylists into teams of two. He chose Dee with Nekisa, Daniel with Paulo, and Glenn with Nicole. Charlie knew Dee would be bossy and that would piss off Nekisa, and that Glenn has been trash-talking Nicole of late. Potential squabbling on the salon floor and lots of enjoyment for Charlie!

Each team was to color and style the hair of their groups of three clients to resemble updated versions of the iconic Charlie's Angels looks.

Paulo reveals that he had a big crush on Jaclyn Smith in the Charlie's Angels days, but he also had a thing for the guys on CHIPS and Jack Tripper. He liked to cover all the bases in those days.

Daniel announced that their team was going to "take these bitches down!" When asked what bitches, he responded, "anyone with a vagina!"

Once the teams finished arguing over who was going to do what and got all of the cutting and styling done, it was time for the Hair Show!

Kate Jackson was introduced as the guest judge. She looked pretty good, I suppose, but not as good as Jaclyn. (Hey, where's Farrah? Couldn't they have gotten Cheryl Ladd at least? Shelly Hack?)

Everyone looked pretty bad. One of the "Farrahs" looked more like Nicole Ritchie, and tell me that's not a nightmare?

But Nekisa sucked most of all, I thought. Her hair looked more squidlike than Meredith's losing do from a few weeks back. I was gratified to see that she was once more in the bottom 2, along with, very surprisingly, Glenn. Glenn was actually a favorite of mine in the competition, maybe not to win, but certainly to go just about all the way.

But...that is not going to happen. Glenn was told to pack her knives and go that she had made her last cut.

Not everyone was particularly sad to see Glenn go.

Except Paulo, who is now the designated cryer.