JLo's Jacket

I love the jacket Jennifer Lopez is wearing here. The cropped shape, the collar, the big buttons, everything works. Oh yeah, and she looks pretty fantastic so soon after giving birth to twins too. She might even be wearing lip color that's not her usual boring nude.

Kimberley Locke

That scamp Christian Siriano designed this dress for Kimberley Locke to wear on her recent appearance on American Idol.

Yick. I don't think any of the Project Runway judges would have let this pass without a whole lot of comment. For one thing, what's going on with the bodice? Her poor boobs are being unnaturally mashed because there are no actual cups to accommodate them. Her torso looks distorted and overly compressed, which makes her upper arms look larger than they are. And it appears that he was trying for some draping, a la Rami, except the skirt looks more like it should be adorning a window rather than a pelvis. I'm not into the color either; the pewter and buff does nothing for her skin tone.

In addition to the dress, her styling in general misses the mark. The pearls look like an afterthought; something with lots of diamonds would have brought attention to her face and shoulders rather than the dress. And the girl wore too much eye makeup (was it dark green?). Ms Locke is normally very pretty, so it's a shame to see her look less than her best, particularly when her outfit is sure to garner attention merely for its designer.

Ms Siriano really should stick to what he does best - highly tailored froufrou jackets and skinny pants - and leave dress designing to those more adept in understanding the female figure.

Jewelry Advertising

I always got a kick out of jewelry advertising in industry magazines. There's usually a level of tacky that belies the costliness of the items depicted. I'm skeptical that any of them are produced by professional ad men and graphic designers; cousin Fred probably toils as the "art department" for most companies.

I found this ad in the March 2008 issue of JCK. At first I thought - "I like the spareness and the nice use of negative space, the lack of background image, and the subtle text." Then I thought, "where's that frog's foot? Has it suddenly and very awkwardly morphed into that [somewhat ugly] ring?"

I get that the round stones resemble the round toes on the froggy's feetsies, but if the creature's foot did become a ring, would the ankle connect directly to the citrine like that? No wonder the poor little guy is hanging on for dear life like that - he's been transformed into a horrible unbalanced freak. Grimm and Aesop have nothing on Yael's fairytales as far as cruelty is concerned....

You're Kidding...

...these can't be Crocs!

But they are! The top style is the new retro-styled Sassari; it comes in nine colors. The bottom pair are Cyprus, in 6 colors. Both have 3" heels and are made of the same plastic material as the regular old ugly Crocs.

I hear Crocs are comfortable, but Dansko clogs are as much fug as I'll wear on my feet. But these I may have to try, although 3" is a little high for everyday wear for me.

Has anyone tried them?

Prada Trembled Blossoms

Forget all about that ugly Fendi bag and feast your eyes on these cuties by Prada.

These are from the Trembled Blossoms collection. The vital statistics: Nappa leather with a Nappa lining; Detachable top handle, 5½" drop and adjustable shoulder strap up to 22" drop; 12½"W X 7"H X 3½"D

A mere $1,675.00 at Sak's. I want the pink one.

And definitely check out the Trembled Blossoms (does that name seem awkward to you too? "Trembled," not "Trembling?") animation. Watch a dead-behind-the-eyes anorexic supermodel-type wander through the forest and encounter mythical creatures and shoes! Someone was smoking lots of crack. It's an interesting idea, but animation of somewhat-realistic humanoid figures is still lacking.

I like the fish though.

Paris Hilton's Shoe Collection

Last month, Paris Hilton launched her own line of shoes. She's got size 11 feet and wanted to create a line of cute shoes for big-footed folks like herself. And trannies.

Ok, so those are projected images by the wonderful and talented 14.

Here's the real line, with the real (as real as she gets, anyway) Paris. I don't see anything special about her shoes, and you certainly wouldn't catch my delicate size 9s in a pair of them.

Cute dress though.

 

Hello, Hideous!

This Fendi clutch was featured in the Spring 2008 Accessories Report section of the April issue of InStyle magazine (the one with a heavily airbrushed therefore pretty cute Renée Zellweger on the cover). "Clutch treat. A talisman, showstopper and masterpiece in one. Beaded leather baguette with water snake and metal fringe."

Sorry, it's hideous. There's too much going on, and none of it is attractive. The silver fringy things remind me of a cross between the pipecleaner aliens in the Star Trek episode "Catspaw" and shredded Michael Jackson gloves. The red-bordered circular medallions look like faux military patches, and I don't understand the need for the beads-and-black-suction-cup thingies. Overall, it looks like the product of an overworked prop staff of a low-budget sci fi show.

And it can be yours for a mere $2830.

Christian, Is That You?

Could this be Mrs. Beckham's favorite new designer?

New Delhi Fall 2008 Fashion Week - Rohit Bal

Rohit Ball's Fall '08 collection was dramatic and over-the-top, with loud colors and flashy fabrics, quite untraditional in its sexy vibe. I think it's wonderful and daring and such a relief from the unrelenting black doom of the European collections.

The black dress is probably not something you're gonna see every day in India, as it's the kind of shockingly sexy that modest culture doesn't advocate. The other two dresses are frankly fabulous with their iridescent fabrics and appliqued roses. The third dress appears to be secured by a series of wide straps across the back, in a naughty bondage-like fashion.


Rather avant-garde, kinda spacey and wild. I can't help but think of that rock group from the Flintstones, the Way-Outs, when I see that first dress.

New Delhi Fall 2008 Fashion Week - Ranna Gill

Ranna Gill's Fall 08 collection has a more European vibe than other designers showing in New Delhi this week. Gold was an important color, both bright and antiqued, and it was used in a very elegant and classy way. Here are some of my favorite pieces from the show.

The first dress is very casual and cute, for everyday wear, yet quite chic. The wide brocade collar on the coat gives some pizazz to the plain gray dress underneath. And the sleeveless dress reminds me of classically simple shapes my mom wore in the late 60s. Can't you see this with hair piled high and completely enclosed pumps?


I wish I could see the front of this dress, but I love the pattern. And I adore the antique gold flared trousers! Gorge! Not so much the mauve blouse though.

New Delhi Fall 2008 Fashion Week - Charu Parashar

India has been celebrating their Fashion Week this week with some spectacular collections. I love how Indian designers retain the cultural integrity of their dress by using traditional fabrics, techniques, and styles of garment. Charu Parashar's Fall 08 collection was rather a fusion of the traditional with lots of European elements.

These are a bit of both - European brocade fabrics worked with unmistakable Indian flair, particularly in the opulent third look.


And here we see a bit more other cultural influence sneaking in, with the minidress and particularly the gorgeous short brocade coat. But lest we forget where we are, the final piece goes back to traditional roots, albeit in a highly dramatic way.

Nicky Hilton

So apparently the less-visible Hilton spawn is a fashion designer. Or so they say. Actually, I haven't found much comment about her collections at all, apart from her last one, called "Chick," being pretty sad. She showed at Los Angeles Fashion Week recently, billed as Nicholai (her actual first name. That's a male name, isn't it?) but the runway backdrop said "NH Nicky Hilton." Whatever. It's not like she's going to be taken seriously anytime soon, what with that whorish appendage called an older sister always in the limelight.

There's scant little information on LA Fashion Week, so it must be a pretty pathetic affair (c'mon, the Pussycat Dolls had a collection!) And a quick Google search brings up more photos of Paris making an ass of herself at Nicky's show than of Nicky's clothing. From what I gather, on the runway the collection appeared to be poorly constructed and of cheap materials. But surprisingly, the designs themselves are not all that bad, at least not in photographs. Her inspiration was equestrian meets bondage - whips, leather, that sort of thing.

Apart from that third look with the wet sealhide-looking tights, the first two aren't bad, and that center dress is actually pretty cute...


...as are these three, particularly the very Mod black and white colorblocked dress. But then there are those slimy-looking tights again....

Tim Gunn

My friend Amber went to see Tim Gunn on his Liz Claiborne tour and learned something interesting that I thought I would pass on to you.

"[Tim] told us about how he was a sculptor and career educator and how he got from there to hosting PR. The reason they wanted him in the workroom was that they were afraid that the designers would just work the whole time and not interact. He was basically there to make sure there was dialogue. So Tim wasn't sure if he would actually be on the show in the first season or if they would just focus on the designers responses. He didn't go to the premiere in case he wasn't because that would be embarrassing. On the other hand, if he was, what would he look like? So he watched the first episode the same way he watched the Wizard of Oz as a kid...from behind the bed-covers."

My Store

You can be a fashion outsider just like me - visit my new shop!

Gimme Five

A meme for a Tuesday morning:

Five Favorite Fashion Designers
1. Valentino
2. Diane von Furstenberg
3. Missoni
4. Michael Kors
5. Carolina Herrera

Five Favorite Accessories
1. My milled-edge comfort fit platinum wedding band and diamond engagement ring
2. Simple gold or silver earrings
3. Large leather handbag with a light-colored lining that holds all my crap
4. Cuff bracelets
5. Cute flats

Five Favorite Gemstones
1. Boulder opal
2. Diamond
3. Demantoid garnet
4. Ceylon sapphire
5. Peridot

Five Favorite Fall 08 Shows
1. Alexander McQueen
2. Rock and Republic
3. Leonard
4. Carolina Herrera
5. Basso & Brooke

Five Favorite Fashion-related TV Shows
1. What Not to Wear
2. Project Runway
3. Sex and the City
4. the rest...
5. ...don't impress

Tagged: anyone who wants to play along!

A Message to the Clueless

For those of you who don't realize it: this is a blog. My blog. A place where I express my thoughts and opinions on the matter of fashion. I am a blogger, not a newspaper critic, nor a reporter. I do not profess to be an expert in any field, although having been an artist most of my life, I think I have a pretty good eye. For the most part, my readership agrees.

I am not an ass-kisser. If I find a designer's collection to be unattractive, I'll say so; likewise, if I think it's gorgeous, I'll make favorable comments. I am not a herd-follower. Just because the press is having orgasms over some asinine trend or another doesn't mean the general public has to follow suit. Unless I happen to agree, I certainly won't.

There's really no need for comments - anonymous ones, mind you, from people who are afraid to stand behind their own words - informing me that I know nothing about fashion, or that as an insider, I should know this or that tidbit or be aware of any particular trend (such as the ridiculous one of wearing a windbreaker under a sports jacket). Let me assure you, I am not an insider. I do not work in the fashion industry, and Baltimore is about as "outside" as one can get. As for trends, one can find them eventually at Wal-Mart. Does that make them good fashion?

The bottom line is this: Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, and everybody thinks everybody else's stinks. You may disagree with me, but please, don't try to tell me that my opinion is wrong.

Blogging Top Chef

I'm blogging Top Chef Season Four - but you have to go to my food blog for those posts!

Doggie Style

see more loldogs are funny dog pictures!

Victoria Beckham

I see nothing in Victoria Beckham's personal style that would indicate an appreciation for Christian Siriano-style clothing, do you? She's about 5'4" on a good day; the excessive top-heaviness of Ferocia Coutura's puffy-sleeved jackets and ruffled collars combined with skinny jeans would make her look freakish. (Not that she doesn't already, with her permanently perky bocce ball boobs, unsmiling visage, and porcine nose.)

The NEW Project Runway

Let us forget this year's boring season of Project Runway and escape to a dream world where we find the ultimate reality show, a dual-network joint effort in which we find the drug- and alcohol-addled patients of VH1's Celebrity Rehab competing to become the next top fashion designer while parading their disease for our amusement.

Allow me to present:

(cue borderline-edgy theme music)

Episode One



Design daywear for contestants of Rock of Love 2! White trash, drama queens, and trannies! Can't get any more drama than that!





I'd say in addition to airbrushing and possible lip plumping injections, I'm willing to bet there was also a cucumber prop used in this shot. And several boxes of those Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair pieces.



The first drama of the season occurs when Dr. Drew Pinsky and Tim Gunn squabble over mentorship. Why can't there be two handsome gray-haired men around to dole out the criticism and hard love?

After brief trips to Spandex World, Liquor City, and Cigarette Hut, the designers commence to sewing and/or cursing at the machines.









Actress in the adult film industry, Mary Carey, faces a big decision: should she stay on Celebrity Rehab in an attempt to finally get sober, or should she jump ship to Rock of Love 2? She can't sew, but she can #*@(#@ with the best of them!



Bret makes the decision for her.



Seth "Shifty" Binzer, a rawker from a band nobody's ever heard of*, is having trouble with the concept of a dressmaker's mannequin. "I thought I could just staple some fabric directly to the model," he was heard muttering in between flashes of lucidity.

Tim and Dr. Drew visit the workroom to offer advice and moral support.















The runway show begins with the golddiggers models strutting to a medley of classic Poison tunes like "Nothin' But a Good Time," and "Unskinny Bop."




Michael Kors finds it all rather amusing.













The designers and models line up on the runway so the judges can rip them all a new one.



Brigitte's model, who started Michael Kors' laughter, is criticized by Nina for her "Pebbles Flintstone gone bad" hair aesthetic. Bret Michaels doesn't think her top is revealing enough. "And her boobs are kinda flat."



Mary Carey got dolled up for the occasion in a last-ditch attempt at winning Bret Michael's heart.

Gasping for air, Michael Kors chokes out something about "Brady Bunch colors."



Jeff Conaway, who suffered a relapse in the workroom from the pressures of threading a needle, had an unfortunate accident with the serger that caused him to rely on a wheelchair for transportation.

Bret Michaels praised the exposed thong, calling it "innovative" and "Viagra-like."

Michael Kors continued to laugh.

Nina says, "well, at least it's not boring."





"Seth, tell us what you were trying to achieve with this look."
"Well, Heidi, I wanted to create something that didn't involve sewing, so I used a hot glue gun and a stapler."

Michael Kors lets out a snort.

Giving up, Nina takes a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels that someone smuggled into the room and says, "I love your leopard patchwork print. It's fresh and innovative. I can see that look in the magazine."

The designers and models leave the runway. After much deliberation, hyena-like laughter, and not a few tears, the judges come to a decision, only to be interrupted by Dr. Drew.

Episode Two: The addicts meet Flavor Flav!

*Believe it or not, Crazy Town had a Billboard #1 hit in 2001 with "Butterfly."